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I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.