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“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Air pods looking like an angry frog
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
🏙👨🏼
Going down a rabbit hole if anyone wants anything
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
God has left this place
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?