My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
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Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
How does one answer this?
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.