Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
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Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again
Me: what the hell…I already did this hour
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened