Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
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Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
How do you milk an almond?
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside