Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
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In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
thinking about my old neighbor that named their WiFi “your arms too short to box with god” and my other neighbor that named their WiFi “super long god boxing arms”
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat