Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
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In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
My birth announcement for our third baby
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!