Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
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Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work