Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
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A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶
me: aaaah… darn. darn it.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.