Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.

deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)

[ark]

SHEM:It’s full

NOAH:Full?

SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space

NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen

I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.

i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.

-kids

Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*

My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.

Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram

Therapist: Go to your happy place

Me: Ok

Therapist: Good, where are you?

Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins

Therapist: I’m sorry, what?

Me: The beach, I said the beach

I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house

CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na

I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.

A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.

[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough

What do you call clean German cabbage?

Shower-kraut.

#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Wasn’t this a cartoon.

UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes

I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.

– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?

– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.

Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?

My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.

I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry

(I used a water pistol)

Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.

What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation

Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up

Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out

Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie

My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.

Hope he finds a ride home.

Just me and my debit card against the world