do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way
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my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
I am having an out of money experience.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: could I buy a noun
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?