do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way
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Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Wikigenius
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers