Do not go gentle into that good night,
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The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service
Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.
