Do not go gentle into that good night,
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French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.