Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes

4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.

When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.

I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.

one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up

barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??

ken:

barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*

It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.

You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.

a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back

GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:

I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.

I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.

it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am

mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?

I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous

every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”

I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.

[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit

[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?

Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?

5-year-old: A baby.

Woman: What kind of baby?

5-year-old: A human one.

Nailed it.

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.

I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.

every time I roll over in the middle of the night

‘We both know you need to pee:’

~the monster under my bed

Me and kiddo listening to music in car:

In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶

Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover

*20 min later at the grocery store*

Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?

Stranger:😳

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.

Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:

If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.

That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.