“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
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I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
The two types of wives
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
New menu item
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner