Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”

I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum

me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.

Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”

Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.

*Bites werewolf*

Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.

Werewolf: No!

Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.

Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*

I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.

If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact

Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?

Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr

My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks

[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?

I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro

If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.

The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.

You know I’m something of a chef myself

Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.

Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.

HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.

ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.

Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.

[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*

No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.

*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*

Very suspicious that this keeps happening

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

A satisfactory.

Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”

Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”

“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant

I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.