do NOT joke about being single on Valentine’s Day when picking up a firearm from the store. they do not have a sense of humor
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Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Seems legit.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
o shit
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST