Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?

you can run but you can’t hide

*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*

Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering

This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old

Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.

my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground

I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing

I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”

Waiter: How is the chicken?

Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.

BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.

WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”

[used car lot]

Customer: Do you have any mini vans?

Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall

the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B

Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game

Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac

Me: I’m over it

[halftime, 2 beers later]

TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶

Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?

Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.

[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”

Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.

Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.

When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”

If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands

In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.

Intel’s responses are magic:

– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.

– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.

– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.

Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.

The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary

I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm

I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water

[hospital]

“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”

WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS

DAD: I’M UP

I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?

Whore it is.

Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong

I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?