Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it

Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.

life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge

Hi, I joined a cult.

*got an air fryer

It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..

You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.

My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.

My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.

HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!

Me: What does venison taste like?

Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.

[Later]

Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?

You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.

Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this

don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays

when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour

aragorn: you have my sword

legolas: and my bow

gimli: and my axe

WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff

Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.

(Every historical tour)

Them: this site is amazing, look at the architecture

Me: Oh wow very cool

Them: Anyway so the atrocities committed on this site include genoci…

My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.

instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club

Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.

“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians

Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*

Sheriff: can i help you son?

Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?

Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.

If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.

I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.

I quit my job to become an archeologist.

My career is in ruins.

My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.

So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.