Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
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Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
(more comics:
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.