Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i’ll just have one more bite

narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites

When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you

I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.

Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10

The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”

Apparently.

Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty

“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.

Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.

What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.

If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.

I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…

Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.

My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night

Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope

that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala

wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.

me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.

sister-in-law: hey guys.

me: [screams and passes out]

I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park

Watching TV

Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…

Me: Woo! They said my birthday!

this is how the alphabet looks from above

– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –

sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”

I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer

{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.

Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz

Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it

Dorothy: [inhaling]

Toto: FFS

My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss

Elephant 911: What’s ur em-

Elephant: MOUSE

Elephant 911: WHERE

Elephant: FLOOR

Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE

[table breaking noises]

My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.

JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film

[before calculus was invented]

me: I understand everything

You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them

I gave a yelp review once.

In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.

[seaworld]

“Hey what happened to the new guy?”

-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6

“But there’s a shark in tan..”

-BINGO!