Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
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When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
I know
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.