Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
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“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants