Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
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went fishing caught a bass
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico