Do not levitate over flowers
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judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?