Do not levitate over flowers
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me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being