“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Stay here and watch people argue or log out and listen to my family argue? Decisions, decisions
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board