“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
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5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
