“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
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I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
channeling her this year
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Six months into the marriage Cinderella began finding stray glass slippers.
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
15: how come I have to go to bed but you get to stay up late?
me: cause I’m 41 and can make bad decisions
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart