Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
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Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all
What color is math?
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?
Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.
TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.
Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven