Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
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I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
constantly working on myself.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I think I’m gonna be sick
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*