Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
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I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving