Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
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I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached