Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Pre-School pick up]

Wife: what did you learn today?

Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.

Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.

Daughter: snakes got no legs.

Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.

I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice

People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.

Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?

Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?

Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*

This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan

Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.

If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese

6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!

The evidence to the contrary:

Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.

doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.

chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS

I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks

I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans

[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few

Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.

“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.

Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?

Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes

how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense

Good advice.

(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)

6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.

My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.

Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom

-Jurassic period Grindr

3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery

My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess

I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.

I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.

*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*

They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.

please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water