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got a pretty bad nosebleed at work and everyone was like “omggg are you okay” and i was treated like a princess and then half an hour later my coworker one upped me by having a seizure lol
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
to the tune of ‘everybody dance now’ himalayan sea salt
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.
I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.
I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
A guy in the parking lot saw me trip over my own feet so I yelled to him “I just quantum leaped into this body!”
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
All I’m saying is, a loose grip on reality is better than no grip on reality.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.