Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.

Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam

JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.

No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.

Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.

I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.

the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law

I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.

I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.

I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.

[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up

Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.

gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction

My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino

Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no

*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all

*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few

Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first

My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?

My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.

BIL: Which one is the black one?

10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*

We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.

I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.

Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…

Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.

neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you

neil armweak: can you carry this?

[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care

not to brag, but mine was free

Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.

God: you’re a jellyfish.

Jellyfish: nice.

God: you have no bones.

Jellyfish: ok.

God: and no brain.

Jellyfish: oh.

God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.

Jellyfish:

God: you’re H2OhNo lol.

Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.

My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”