Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#MeanwhileInCanada

A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.

will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break

[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.

*first day as an accountant*

me: so where are the ants?

My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.

me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!

coworker: no problem!

[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r

Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words

Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream

People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.

If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”

What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day

Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now

Renewed my membership this morning

ew if literal: let me be clear

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left

Me: oh no

Doctor: my next appointment is here

Me: ohhh jesus I thought

Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will

A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away

A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.

[walking somewhere]

My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!

Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.

Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.

If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.

Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.

*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*

Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.

Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.