Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction

My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.

I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.

[Heaven]

Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL

Me: Too soon…

[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder

He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.

how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames

[running amok in flames]

WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?

My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?

I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.

Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.

alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do

therapist: so, how are you feeling?

me: i’m feeling ok

therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma

DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*

Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.

My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…

me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd

my kids: what’s a cd?

me: *dies of old age*

(Creating Atheists)

God: Make some humans Sciencey

Angel: Will they believe in you?

God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!

Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish

COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.

ME: You mean, don’t take?

COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.

I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.

One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”

“It’s been a bit of a day”

Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”

My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.

You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there

My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc

I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?