Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
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Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Kay’s emergency department tape rule:
If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.
If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus