Do not steal food from the science building!
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idk flipping houses looks really hard
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Asked my 9 yo how his day went and he responded with, “well, it started off just like any other Wednesday…”
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.