Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
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Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can鈥檛 get off the toilet.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don鈥檛 say that, you鈥檙e drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
I like to think I鈥檓 in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Cats don鈥檛 say YOLO they say YOLNT
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 馃槼
Bluetick 1: I know 馃槀 that鈥檚 just Twitter though isn鈥檛 it 馃檮
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love鉂わ笍
Bluetick 1: 鉂わ笍
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
ODE TO TWITTER
馃幎Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart馃幎
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
