Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
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Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
If anyone wants my boiling water recipe dm me
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Living the best life.. 😊
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
{ texting judge get out of jury duty } My chupacabra just died :/ {remembering that i got their number illegally } I guessed your number
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’