do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me
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I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
I was just discussing this with my cat
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.