do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me
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Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
just got my engagement photos
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”