do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me
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As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…