Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Church: time to come back

Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK

Church: not you

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.

It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine

My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud

I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.

Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas

Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame

CEO: I like it

JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?

He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.

NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.

ME: It’s fullnerable.

WIFE: Get out.

My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water

Checkmate, Allegiant

Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question

They say old habits die hard…

My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.

hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)

If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce

I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.

Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.

My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?

Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.

Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”

Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes

(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?

Me-Oh yes.

[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]

“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.

I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.

Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”

Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.

“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*

[breakfast in hell]

STALIN: Toast is burnt

POL POT: Eggs are rotten

HITLER: I hate the juice

STALIN: Oh here we go

HITLER: I said JUICE

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink