Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN

stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80

me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80

My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!

My gf 2nd month: listen

SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy

Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.

Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.

Kid: I don’t like cheese

Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?

Music Party with the wee ones

Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.

5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid

Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.

Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ

You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?

Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask

(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?

Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.

Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?

Cop: license and registration please.

Me: (gives cop both)

Cop: you drinking tonight?

Me: no.

Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.

9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.

*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*

Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit

Me: WAIT

Adam and Eve: *Staring*

Me: You gotta wash it first

thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine

If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.

Hell hath no fury like a woman.

Oh? That’s not the entire expression?

No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…

Me: That IS self control

Dietician: how?

Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut

Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”

Friend: She really likes you.

Me: Oh yeah?

Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.

Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.

Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?

When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.

But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?

– Food Trucks

*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*

Is this a date? It feels like a date.

This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.