Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?

me: hi do you take walk ins?

funeral parlor director: what?

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot

I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”

Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.

‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.

Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.

Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things

Better than a Justin Bieber concert:

1. Being deaf.

2. A rattlesnake bite.

3. Chewing razor blades.

4. Licking a public toilet seat.

The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?

CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.

if i say “morning!” to you it does not mean “good morning” i am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning

me at a party:

*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*

[watching kids make snowman]

Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?

Wife: Yes…why?

Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…

ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]

WAITER: please stop touching me

I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.

My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu

Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class

Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”

I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact

I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.

Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?

Me- Never, just ask my husband.

Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:

You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone

bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL

me: [exists]

bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY

if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps