Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
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I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
this will hang in the louvre one day
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.