Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
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“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*