“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
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My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.
He calls it “snackupuncture.”
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.