“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
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me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
I’m so glad the internet is like this now.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Finally, an explanation.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
your honor my client chooses dare
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”