“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
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It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
😼🖥️
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order
it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*