“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
You Might Also Like
And now we wait
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
lmfao come on
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
*orders delivery*