“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
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My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.