“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
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I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Beards are a privilege, not a right