You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.