@yoopnative

“Do NOT wake her up! It took me thirty minutes to get her to shut up and go to sleep.”

-Conversation I just had about a damn Furby.

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@Talkinghands69

Come close…

Closer…

Look deeply into my eyes and tell me what you see…

Is it an eyelash? Seriously, help me out, it’s killing me.

@AristotlesNZ

Woah, woah! Lets see some I.D., Kid!

LOLZ!! Just kidding! Press that button and come on in!

-Adult Websites

@Marlebean

Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?

@squirrel74wkgn

[playing guitar in hotel lounge]

Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?

Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?

@MichaelTrying

Darwin is a genius. Just realized I’m attracted to women in glasses because I’m more likely to reproduce with a woman who can’t see me well.

@NewDadNotes

God: You found the Holy Grail!

Me: cool, what does it do?

God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.

Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.

God: you don’t want eternal li-

Me: I said pass.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I’m going to mall

Wife: For what?

Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop

Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?

Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.

@my_minivan_life

Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.

@joerogan

This country has a mental health problem disguised as a gun problem and a tyranny problem disguised as a security problem.