Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in

Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.

[ bad kitty ]

me: cut it out

cat: ?

me: stop it

cat: ?

me: knock it off

cat: now we’re talking

if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs

Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.

First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.

Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.

*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper

I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.

Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*

Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME

And I laughed so hard I cried

So yeah! I’m great at dating

And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?

I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*

I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?

Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.

Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away

Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??

me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!

if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real

If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why

3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed

Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*

*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*

(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?

I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.

My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.

Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.

non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?

Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”

“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!

[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em