Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
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“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error
It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it