Do one person every day that scares you.
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I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.