Do one thing every day that scares people.
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ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
